The status of cola education transcends time, you slave to ethereal trappings!

It has come to my attention (and I was quite startled mind you) that cola may come in large transparent bottles. I've been a man of the can for many a year now and the sight of such a savory delight harshly abused within light permeable bottles almost caused a series of heart palpitations. The cola should never be disrespected in this way. The light alone may bruise the cola leading to aftertastes and pockets of lower carbonation within said drink. Like a fine woman, the cola is best taken while in full dress. The notion of a cola in a plastic transparent bottle is reminiscent of a cheap corner-waiting harlot. Flaunting her wares while the body of the product diminishes. It is immoral to contain such divinity in a transparent bottle. On display and degrading in front of the connoisseur. I try to shelter my young fellow connoisseurs and seeing the beverage in this light has caused my youngest child to start crying in a most horrid display. He had to be removed from the store. This brings me to my second thought. Diet Coke must be purchased from a fine vendor that can provide papers for production. Purchasing from a grocery store is like adopting a used animal from a shelter. You know it will be of inferior quality and have many ailments. Diet Coke purchased from the grocery vendor is akin to adopting a mixed breed giraffe with mental ailment and poor musculature out of sympathy.

One must only trust a darker cola from a private collection. Never purchase a cola without papers tracking the distillation and shipping techniques. One is investing in good health and a savory dark cola inspires the humors.