SIGNS OF THE APOCALYPSE

1. Tampons start to bleed… IN THE BOX!
2. Reanimated corpse of Mr. Hooper descends on Sesame Street to exact murderous vengeance on Snuffleupagus
3. Viacom reincorporates as a non-profit
4. North Dakota ravaged by civil war with South Dakota
5. Los Angeles swept away by 1000-foot Cheez Wiz tsunami
6. Gallup Poll reveals Americans totally apathetic about sex
7. JFK Jr. and Princess Di rise from the dead to sire a new race of entitled do-nothings
8. Jerry Falwell comes out of the closet
9. Canada develops its own culture
10. Swarms of flying goats terrorize playgrounds
11. Tall glasses of cool, wholesome milk spontaneously transform into frothing cups of demon vomit
12. Whiteheads become chic
13. Chimpanzees begin to accessorize
14. Switzerland falls into the sea
15. The Anti-Christ appears – accompanied by the Uncle-Christ
16. Flipping someone the bird can KILL THEM
17. New fast food craze: McLocust Burgers
18. Cease fire declared in war between cats and dogs
19. P. Diddy is appointed UN Secretary General
20. Statues of the Virgin Mary sprout thick black goatees
21. World's unset VCR clocks all stop blinking
22. Millions of circumcised penises grow new foreskins
23. The Almighty appears on talk shows, promoting his new project "Let There be DARKNESS"
24. Laura Bush gives birth to conjoined hyena pups
25. The introduction of non-alcoholic Jägermeister
26. Disney remakes I Spit on Your Grave
27. Republicans grasp the mathematical fundamentals of addition and subtraction
28. McDonalds and Starbucks merge
29. A giant Porky Pig appears as a fireball in the sky and stutters, "Th-th-that's All, Folks!"
30. Nudist nuns riot in the streets
31. Oprah's Book Club recommends Naked Lunch
32. Churches liquidate all their investments for charity
33. Hustler launches an Arabic edition
34. Earth's sun goes nova, incinerating all nine satellite planets in a nanosecond
35. All around the globe, ketchup flows freely from glass bottles
36. Jesus and Mohammed take on Joseph Smith and L. Ron Hubbard in a cult-founder-takes-all tag-team wrestling match
37. Human embryonic stem cells included in Parker Bros. chemistry sets
38. The Pope spontaneously combusts
39. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon
40. Howard Stern shuts the f**k up
41. Stubborn underwear skidmarks miraculously disappear
42. Ho's slap pimps, worms eat fish, and queers bash frat boys
43. It rains McGriddles
44. High school math teachers embrace oral hygiene
45. World's "Down Syndrome" children reveal selves as tightly organized network of intergalactic spies
46. Giant green pincers burst through Pat Robertson's liver-spotted chest from the inside out during routine taping of The 700 Club. An enormous praying mantis emerges covered in rib fragments and macerated lung effluvia, announcing to the world in a booming voice: "YOUR PUNY PRAYERS ECHO THROUGH SPACE AND THE STARS LAUGH. EARTH IS DOOMED!"
47. The Hell's Angels trade in their Harleys for Vespas
48. Expanding hot air from the blogosphere displaces both the troposphere and stratosphere
49. All energy drinks turn into rancid cat urine (but nobody notices)
50. All that ridiculous sh*t in the Bible actually happens

FURTHER SIGN OF THE APOCALYPSE

1. The US finally develops a beer that doesn't taste like water
2. Bush makes a televised speech that doesn't make him seem like a bumbling idiot