Chris Ensell,

I remember the day you came into my life.  I watched as my brother died.  That was the day you moved in, uninvited.  I do not remember much after that day, but by what I have been told, you made many people unpleasant and you hurt me as much as possible.  You sabotaged everything I put my hands on, or people that I loved.  You would steal from them, you would lie to them, you would disrespect them, you did everything you could to ruin every dream and goal I set for myself.  I never had control of you.  You ran freely through the best moments of my life, making them the worst moments of my life.

I don’t know why you did this, and I don’t know why I let you do so for such a long time.  I can’t understand why someone would make it their goal to destroy another person’s goal.  No matter how hard I tried, you were always one step behind me, ready to trip me every time I made a step towards a better life.  How can someone find as much joy as you had doing that.

I wish I had been stronger.  I wish I could have been smarter.  I wish I could have had the power that you had robbed me of.  There are many things I wish I could have had.  Sometimes I was so close to a goal in my life, that I could literally feel it, taste it, hear it, and see it.  But there you were, to snatch it away from me without delay. 

I can’t blame you all for this.  I knew what I did was wrong.  I knew this.  I would tell myself that I am a better person than this.  I am strong enough to fight you on my own.  I was wrong.  I needed help, but I was too afraid to ask for help.  I did not want to be as weak as everyone thought I was.  I know I was weak.  I was weak because every time I was strong, you would knock me down, and take that away from me. 

However, on this day, this hour, and this minute, I declare that no longer will you control my life.  You will never again tell me that I can’t do something and me listen to you.  No.  You have had control over me for far to long.  Sure, I know that you will always be a part of me, but never again will I allow me to be a part of you.  Just because you speak, does not me that I must listen.  Just because you say that I can not move forward, does not mean I can not take that step.  You have for to long hurt those whom I love, you nearly took my life on several occasions, but that will never happen again.  I am going to live my life, and I am going to become something where I can make a difference.  Something where I can prevent you from hurting another person like you did to me.  I am sick of watching people flying up to their dreams, only to see your darkness surround them so that they lose their way.

I have always thought of saying goodbye is a way of saying “I will probably never see you again”, that is why I try my best to say “See you later” when I am talking to people I would like to see again.  Since I know that you will always be 2 steps behind me until the day we both run out of life, I will say see you, however, those days that you find an opportunity to sneak in and try pushing me in a direction I don’t want to go, I will dig up every ounce of strength I have in my body, mind, and soul to push you aside, and keep moving forward.  When you speak to me, I shall turn my head and listen only to the ones I love.   You no longer will have that or any power over me.

I remember when people would reach out to me, and all you did was slap their hands away.  I remember when people  tried to share their heart, you would spit on them.  No longer will this happen.  I will openly take any hand held out to me, when someone shares their heart with me, I will share mine with them.  You will no longer affect my relationships and friendships.  I am sick and tired of having no friendships or relationships.  I may no longer have someone in my life to hold, talk to until the sun comes up, or stare into the eyes up.  But someday, I will once again, and knowing that you will not have the power to f**k that up again brings a smile to my face.

You are just a voice in my head, and never again will your words have power over me.  I am in control now, not you.

I walk a hard road as two but I am aware that the other one is talking to himself and not to me. He is telling himself he is a failure...not me.

It is hard to grasp the concept it is himself he is talking to, not me. I was just overhearing him speak. If I hear him speak negatively about himself, I will flood him with positive feelings...  I won't talk back to him, he can't hear me but he can feel my emotions.

... And now, I move on with my own life and my own positive thoughts.  I am damn tired of living someone else's life, it is time for me to live my own. I want to be able to cry again, smile a real smile, love someone instead of fearing to be myself.

In conclusion, shut the f**k up.,

Chris Ensell