those brushes on the helmet(s) are quite realistically looking!

I don't like the dithering, it just doesn't look well too good. It's ok.

too much story.

Work on the faces more, Google some side views of faces(DeviantART is also a good source for reference). More contrast, hair on both looks messy, light source is odd(Shadows are also weird), work on the dithering.

fixed it     

I also count a definite 34 colours. You might want to fix this.

i changed the background color to blue so the red seems to be the accent color.
i cleaned up the lines of the mask as well.

you need to clean your lines, and also, i think you misunderstood the whole monochromatic with an accent color thing.  I can't tell which is the accent.

thanx, pixelled it myself.

yeah it's way better now (the font is really cool)

Create the Title Screen for a cyberpunk* game.

This implies a title/logo and perhaps some UI. You got time, chop, chop.

im reluctant to put it

I think there is a probleme...in don't see the game title !!! Else the shading on the right dude is very nice ;)