The edit has many faults of its own but I think there are still some things that you can learn from it. You're not really showing any forms with your light/shadows and your lightsource isn't very clear. the whole thing appears flat.
Hopefully you can use this to improve the piece :D
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I actually saw this over at Pixelation at an earlier WIP stage and made an edit that I forgot to post
Edit!
The edit has many faults of its own but I think there are still some things that you can learn from it. You're not really showing any forms with your light/shadows and your lightsource isn't very clear. the whole thing appears flat.
Hopefully you can use this to improve the piece :D