Pixel Joint Forum: Poem/ Rap (Unfinished)

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Fugitive
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Joined: 28 June 2021
Location: United Kingdom
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Posts: 466

Topic: Poem/ Rap (Unfinished)
Posted: 07 May 2006 at 12:57pm

Nines on the street
Blasting cops on the beat//

Hearts stop before they hit the street
As blood spills around your feet//

People run in fear as it becomes clear
That everyone’s a target//

NO ONE WILL BE SPARED

Mad man on the run
Mad man with a gun//

Blasting people just for fun//

As a call to the swat to take some action
The mad man blows up a car to distract them//

Edited by Fugitive

Fugitve is playing on his XBox 360

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Larwick
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Joined: 18 July 2024
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Posts: 4015

Posted: 07 May 2006 at 1:07pm

Hmm, your rhyming and syllables seem very random. I'd fix that.

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Fugitive
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Joined: 28 June 2021
Location: United Kingdom
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Posts: 466

Posted: 07 May 2006 at 1:56pm

Originally posted by Larwick

Hmm, your rhyming and syllables seem very random. I'd fix that.

Your the first one to say that about it...

Fugitve is playing on his XBox 360

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Larwick
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Joined: 18 July 2024
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Posts: 4015

Posted: 07 May 2006 at 2:10pm

Originally posted by Fugitive

Originally posted by Larwick

Hmm, your rhyming and syllables seem very random. I'd fix that.

Your the first one to say that about it...

Interesting. Well, let me elaborate.

Your rhyming goes like this: 1 1 1 1 X X X 2 2 2 X X
Your syllables go like this: 4 6, 8 7, 10 7, 5, 5 5, 7, 11, 11

take a look at them, and try to create some sort of structure. Also, it seems like you've created a story from the rhyming, rather than rhyming an original one. I mean, if i'm wrong forgive me but fixing the structure would help that problem.

Good luck.

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Fugitive
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Joined: 28 June 2021
Location: United Kingdom
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Posts: 466

Posted: 07 May 2006 at 3:33pm

Originally posted by Larwick

Originally posted by Fugitive

Originally posted by Larwick

Hmm, your rhyming and syllables seem very random. I'd fix that.

Your the first one to say that about it...

Interesting. Well, let me elaborate.

Good luck.

It's my first poem/ rap so if anyone can make it better or add to it that would be great...

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Aleiav
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Joined: 08 April 2016
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Posts: 2380

Posted: 07 May 2006 at 4:55pm

I'd try rapping along to beats, if you haven't done this. Just get some rap instrumentals of songs and start there. The music helps timing.

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Fugitive
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Joined: 28 June 2021
Location: United Kingdom
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Posts: 466

Posted: 08 May 2006 at 9:14am

Originally posted by Aleiav

I'd try rapping along to beats, if you haven't done this. Just get some rap instrumentals of songs and start there. The music helps timing.

Right! I'll try that....

Could anyone try adding some more to it ?

The subject is Grand Theft Auto

Fugitve is playing on his XBox 360

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Skull
Commander

PJ Pioneer

Joined: 03 August 2019
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 1521

Posted: 08 May 2006 at 9:49am

Originally posted by Fugitive

The subject is Grand Theft Auto

Nines on the street - Purple Nines... GTA3?

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Fugitive
Commander

Joined: 28 June 2021
Location: United Kingdom
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Posts: 466

Posted: 08 May 2006 at 5:33pm

Originally posted by Skull

Originally posted by Fugitive

The subject is Grand Theft Auto

Nines on the street - Purple Nines... GTA3?

or Nines as in 9mm Handgun ...

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Monkey 'o Doom
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Joined: 24 September 2005
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Posts: 2994

Posted: 08 May 2006 at 5:45pm

Fugitive, how do your posts make me click them multiple times to get the new posts icon to stay gone? Do you delete and repost?

RPG is numberwang.

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Fugitive
Commander

Joined: 28 June 2021
Location: United Kingdom
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 466

Posted: 08 May 2006 at 6:01pm

Originally posted by Monkey 'o Doom

Fugitive, how do your posts make me click them multiple times to get the new posts icon to stay gone? Do you delete and repost?

Yeah! It's better then double posting...

Sorry

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Monkey 'o Doom
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Joined: 24 September 2005
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Posts: 2994

Posted: 08 May 2006 at 6:12pm

Oh! Well, I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't; we comment in time.

RPG is numberwang.

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pixelblink
Commander

Joined: 19 February 2023
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 2865

Posted: 08 May 2006 at 6:24pm

Originally posted by Monkey 'o Doom

we comment in time.

and space!

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Fugitive
Commander

Joined: 28 June 2021
Location: United Kingdom
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 466

Posted: 08 May 2006 at 6:28pm

Originally posted by Monkey 'o Doom

Oh! Well, I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't; we comment in time.

It will never happen again...

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Aleiav
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Joined: 08 April 2016
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Posts: 2380

Posted: 08 May 2006 at 7:26pm

Originally posted by Fugitive

Right! I'll try that....

Could anyone try adding some more to it ?

The subject is Grand Theft Auto

If we added more to it, it wouldn't be your rap, now would it? You should do it on your own.

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Pixel_Outlaw
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Joined: 01 September 2005
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Posts: 3829

Posted: 08 May 2006 at 9:10pm

Leave the police alone they are good folk.

Edited by Pixel_Outlaw

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Fugitive
Commander

Joined: 28 June 2021
Location: United Kingdom
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 466

Posted: 09 May 2006 at 2:05am

Originally posted by Pixel_Outlaw

Leave the police alone they are good folk.

I think the police do a great job.

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Brian the Great
Commander

RED!

Joined: 03 March 2005
Location: United Kingdom
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 2221

Posted: 09 May 2006 at 4:32am

Originally posted by pixelblink

Originally posted by Monkey 'o Doom

we comment in time.

and space!

For that is the defenition of our commentinuum!

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Fugitive
Commander

Joined: 28 June 2021
Location: United Kingdom
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 466

Posted: 09 May 2006 at 5:04am

Originally posted by Aleiav

Originally posted by Fugitive

Right! I'll try that....

Could anyone try adding some more to it ?

The subject is Grand Theft Auto

If we added more to it, it wouldn't be your rap, now would it? You should do it on your own.

It could be a Collab with some pixel art stills to go with it...

Fugitve is playing on his XBox 360

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Diversions
Pixel Joint Forum : The Lounge : Diversions

Author	Message
Fugitive Commander Joined: 28 June 2021 Location: United Kingdom Online Status: Offline Posts: 466	Topic: Poem/ Rap (Unfinished) Posted: 07 May 2006 at 12:57pm
	Nines on the street Blasting cops on the beat// Hearts stop before they hit the street As blood spills around your feet// People run in fear as it becomes clear That everyone’s a target// NO ONE WILL BE SPARED Mad man on the run Mad man with a gun// Blasting people just for fun// As a call to the swat to take some action The mad man blows up a car to distract them// Edited by Fugitive
	Fugitve is playing on his XBox 360
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Larwick Commander Joined: 18 July 2024 Online Status: Offline Posts: 4015	Posted: 07 May 2006 at 1:07pm
	Hmm, your rhyming and syllables seem very random. I'd fix that.

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Fugitive Commander Joined: 28 June 2021 Location: United Kingdom Online Status: Offline Posts: 466	Posted: 07 May 2006 at 1:56pm
	*Originally posted by Larwick* Hmm, your rhyming and syllables seem very random. I'd fix that. Your the first one to say that about it...
	Fugitve is playing on his XBox 360
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Larwick Commander Joined: 18 July 2024 Online Status: Offline Posts: 4015	Posted: 07 May 2006 at 2:10pm
	*Originally posted by Fugitive* *Originally posted by Larwick* Hmm, your rhyming and syllables seem very random. I'd fix that. Your the first one to say that about it... Interesting. Well, let me elaborate. Your rhyming goes like this: 1 1 1 1 X X X 2 2 2 X X Your syllables go like this: 4 6, 8 7, 10 7, 5, 5 5, 7, 11, 11 take a look at them, and try to create some sort of structure. Also, it seems like you've created a story from the rhyming, rather than rhyming an original one. I mean, if i'm wrong forgive me but fixing the structure would help that problem. Good luck.

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Fugitive Commander Joined: 28 June 2021 Location: United Kingdom Online Status: Offline Posts: 466	Posted: 07 May 2006 at 3:33pm
	*Originally posted by Larwick* *Originally posted by Fugitive* *Originally posted by Larwick* Hmm, your rhyming and syllables seem very random. I'd fix that. Your the first one to say that about it... Interesting. Well, let me elaborate. Your rhyming goes like this: 1 1 1 1 X X X 2 2 2 X X Your syllables go like this: 4 6, 8 7, 10 7, 5, 5 5, 7, 11, 11 take a look at them, and try to create some sort of structure. Also, it seems like you've created a story from the rhyming, rather than rhyming an original one. I mean, if i'm wrong forgive me but fixing the structure would help that problem. Good luck. It's my first poem/ rap so if anyone can make it better or add to it that would be great...
	Fugitve is playing on his XBox 360
	IP Logged

Aleiav Commander Joined: 08 April 2016 Online Status: Offline Posts: 2380	Posted: 07 May 2006 at 4:55pm
	I'd try rapping along to beats, if you haven't done this. Just get some rap instrumentals of songs and start there. The music helps timing.
	IP Logged

Fugitive Commander Joined: 28 June 2021 Location: United Kingdom Online Status: Offline Posts: 466	Posted: 08 May 2006 at 9:14am
	*Originally posted by Aleiav* I'd try rapping along to beats, if you haven't done this. Just get some rap instrumentals of songs and start there. The music helps timing. Right! I'll try that.... Could anyone try adding some more to it ? The subject is Grand Theft Auto
	Fugitve is playing on his XBox 360
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Skull Commander PJ Pioneer Joined: 03 August 2019 Online Status: Offline Posts: 1521	Posted: 08 May 2006 at 9:49am
	*Originally posted by Fugitive* The subject is Grand Theft Auto Nines on the street - Purple Nines... GTA3?

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Fugitive Commander Joined: 28 June 2021 Location: United Kingdom Online Status: Offline Posts: 466	Posted: 08 May 2006 at 5:33pm
	*Originally posted by Skull* *Originally posted by Fugitive* The subject is Grand Theft Auto Nines on the street - Purple Nines... GTA3? or Nines as in 9mm Handgun ...
	Fugitve is playing on his XBox 360
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Monkey 'o Doom Commander Joined: 24 September 2005 Online Status: Offline Posts: 2994	Posted: 08 May 2006 at 5:45pm
	Fugitive, how do your posts make me click them multiple times to get the new posts icon to stay gone? Do you delete and repost?
	RPG is numberwang.
	IP Logged

Fugitive Commander Joined: 28 June 2021 Location: United Kingdom Online Status: Offline Posts: 466	Posted: 08 May 2006 at 6:01pm
	*Originally posted by Monkey 'o Doom* Fugitive, how do your posts make me click them multiple times to get the new posts icon to stay gone? Do you delete and repost? Yeah! It's better then double posting... Sorry
	Fugitve is playing on his XBox 360
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Monkey 'o Doom Commander Joined: 24 September 2005 Online Status: Offline Posts: 2994	Posted: 08 May 2006 at 6:12pm
	Oh! Well, I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't; we comment in time.
	RPG is numberwang.
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pixelblink Commander Joined: 19 February 2023 Online Status: Offline Posts: 2865	Posted: 08 May 2006 at 6:24pm
	*Originally posted by Monkey 'o Doom* we comment in time. and space!
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Fugitive Commander Joined: 28 June 2021 Location: United Kingdom Online Status: Offline Posts: 466	Posted: 08 May 2006 at 6:28pm
	*Originally posted by Monkey 'o Doom* Oh! Well, I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't; we comment in time. It will never happen again...
	Fugitve is playing on his XBox 360
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Aleiav Commander Joined: 08 April 2016 Online Status: Offline Posts: 2380	Posted: 08 May 2006 at 7:26pm
	*Originally posted by Fugitive* Right! I'll try that.... Could anyone try adding some more to it ? The subject is Grand Theft Auto If we added more to it, it wouldn't be your rap, now would it? You should do it on your own.
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Pixel_Outlaw Commander Joined: 01 September 2005 Online Status: Offline Posts: 3829	Posted: 08 May 2006 at 9:10pm
	Leave the police alone they are good folk. Edited by Pixel_Outlaw

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Fugitive Commander Joined: 28 June 2021 Location: United Kingdom Online Status: Offline Posts: 466	Posted: 09 May 2006 at 2:05am
	*Originally posted by Pixel_Outlaw* Leave the police alone they are good folk. I think the police do a great job.
	Fugitve is playing on his XBox 360
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Brian the Great Commander RED! Joined: 03 March 2005 Location: United Kingdom Online Status: Offline Posts: 2221	Posted: 09 May 2006 at 4:32am
	*Originally posted by pixelblink* *Originally posted by Monkey 'o Doom* we comment in time. and space! For that is the defenition of our commentinuum!

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Fugitive Commander Joined: 28 June 2021 Location: United Kingdom Online Status: Offline Posts: 466	Posted: 09 May 2006 at 5:04am
	*Originally posted by Aleiav* *Originally posted by Fugitive* Right! I'll try that.... Could anyone try adding some more to it ? The subject is Grand Theft Auto If we added more to it, it wouldn't be your rap, now would it? You should do it on your own. It could be a Collab with some pixel art stills to go with it...
	Fugitve is playing on his XBox 360
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