TV Show Quotes

...but I'll tell you what's not cool; killing strippers. Strippers are people too; naked people who may be willing to pleasure you for a price you negotiate later behind the curtain of a VIP room. Besides, there's no reason to kill them, 'cause most of them are already dead inside.

And Joe, I've had new neighbors before, but none of them were half the man you are. Since you're half a man already, that splits them into some kind of fraction I can't even measure.

I had such a crush on her. Until I met you Lois. You're my silver medal.

See, Meg, things always work out if you just do whatever you want without thinking about the consequences.

If you want an autograph right now, you either got to give me a pen or some snow.

What are you gonna make me do? Whack a guy? Off a guy? Whack off a guy? 'Cause I'm married.

Make like Siamese twins and split ... and then one of you die.

Excuse me sir, I believe you're in my seat and I had sex with your mother.

My Homer is not a communist. He may be a liar, a pig, an idiot, a communist, but he is not a porn star.

Me fail English? That's unpossible.

There's no motivation like desperation!

Oh I'm sorry but I think you are confusing me with someone who gives a crap.

It may be what you need, but it is not what you require

As I felt I was going to vomit anyway, I decided I might do it in some style...

Like everyone else, my list of Top 10 greatest all time songs features around 250 tracks. Fourteen of which are the best ever.

You don't have to have superpowers to be a hero.

Tom: "In local news, we have more on the approach of Hurricane Rupaul as it makes his or her way up the coast.
Let's go live to Ollie Williams with the BlaccuWeather report. Ollie?"

Ollie:"IT'S RAININ' SIDEWAYS."

Tom:"Sounds rough Ollie, Do you have an umbrella?"

Ollie:"Had one!"

Tom:"Where is it?"

Ollie:"Inside out two miles away!"

Tom:"Is there anything we can do for you?"

Ollie:"Bring me some soup!"

Tom:"What kind?"

Ollie:"Chunky!!"

Tom: "All right, we'll get right on that."

That which does not kill us makes us stranger.

Michael: What is the best thing I've told you?
Dwight: Don't be an idiot, it changed my life.

Roy: [singing] We don't need no education.
Moss: Yes you do; you've just used a double negative

They should be more honest. At least, Tony Adams from the IRA, he's like, "Yeah, I shoot people. I like shooting people."

What joke is next? "Hey, Jez, your mum's dead!"

It's payback time. And she's going to pay back... in fear dollars!

Give me the remaining dough, and all the calendars, and that PEN. Try to tear it so that most of the beads are on my end.

You know how many birthdays there are a year? Hundreds, literally, hundreds.

I seem to have misplaced my pants.

The only reason that you're conscious right now is because I don't want to carry you.

The other night I dreamt that Xander... Uh, it wasn't Xander. In fact it wasn't me. In fact, it was a friend's dream, and she can't remember it.

Willow: When Buffy was a vampire, you weren't still, like, attracted to her, were you?

Xander Harris: Willow, how can you...? I mean, that's really *bent*. She was... grotesque.

Willow: Still dug her, huh?

Xander Harris: I'm sick. I need help.

Willow: Don't I know it.

I'm just gonna go home, lie down, and listen to country music. The music of pain.

You know, Buffy, Spring Fling just isn't any dance. It's a time for students to choose, um, a mate. And then we can observe their mating rituals, and tag them before they migrate... just kill me!

Kryten- Sirs, you should take a look at this.

Rimmer- Another vessel?

Kryten-Too small. It may be a missile.

Rimmer -Impact in 37 seconds.

Kryten - Plotting random evasion course.

Cat -What?! Am I the only sane one? Drop the defensive shields!

Kryten-A superlative suggestion, sir, with just two minor flaws.
One, we don't have any defensive shields, and two, we don't have any defensive shields.
Now, technically speaking, that's only one flaw,
but it was such a big one, it was worth mentioning twice.

Cat- Good point. Well made.

And, of course, there's the simple carpenter's son
who went on to own the largest chain of pizza stores in history, Harry Beedlebaum.

You're too weird to be a genius, maybe you're a visionary?

I've got good news. That gum you like is going to come back in style.

Marge, I'm pulling an all nighter for my little girl. Put on a pot of coffee, drink it, and start making burgers

A package is only a box until it's delivered.

You are so blind! You so do not understand! You weren't there at the beginning. You don't know how good it was! How important! This is it for you! This jumped-up firework display of a toy advert! People like you make me sick! What's wrong with you? Now, I don't care if you've saved up all your fifty 'p's, take your pocket money and get out!

What a prick.

She's shallow, Brian. She's like Cordelia out of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and latterly Angel, the spin off series which is set in LA.

You're scared of mice and spiders, but oh-so-much greater is your fear that one day the two species will cross-breed to form an all-powerful race of mice-spiders who will immobilize human beings in giant webs in order to steal cheese.

I see my ex girlfriends. Well, not so much "see" as "watch"...

It's going to be legendary!

Suit up!

That's Numberwang!

Are you having a laugh? Is he having a laugh?

Game's over, losers! I have all the money. Compare your lives to mine and then kill yourselves.

Boy, who knew a cooler could also make a handy wang coffin?

If we hit that bullseye, the rest of the dominos will fall like a house of cards. Checkmate.

Its just like the story of the grasshopper and the octopus. All year long the grasshopper kept burying acorns for winter while the octopus mooched off his girlfriend and watched TV. Then the winter came, and the grasshopper died, and the octopus ate all his acorns and also he got a racecar. Is any of this getting through to you?

Marge I'm going to be working all night. Make some coffee, drink it, then start making burgers.